Why I will vote NO

In light of the big election coming up, one of the big votes is determining if Minnesota should put in the constitution that marriage should only be between a man and a woman.  This has me very perplexed, as I believe I learned in grade school the golden rule of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  This would logically tell me that if I believe that I should be allowed to marry the one person I love the most (of course I mean my wife Renee), Shouldn’t I follow the rule that would have me thinking that others should be able to do the same as I can do?  And of course, my answer is Yes, I mean I plan to vote No, but yes to believing that they should be able to do the same. 

To be more honest with you, I find homosexuals* to be extremely fascinating, not necessarily as individuals, but more so in the courage it must take to be yourself, especially when being yourself is something that is looked at so poorly among society, and in many ways can be very dangerous.  I say this with the utmost respect, as being yourself, from my experience is difficult, even for this White/heterosexual/middle class/educated/extremely handsome guy.** 

There are different kinds of courage.  We all know of the courage of the brave woman and men*** soldiers, police officers, firefighters and other service positions in our society.  But I wonder why do we not look at individuals who are able to be themselves, in spite of the numerous challenges they posses as having a similar courage?  I am not implying that it is the same courage, as there are different types of courage, I just wonder what our world would be like if we consistently sent a message that it is OK to just be who you really are, and not try to fit people into the boxes.  Not structure them into personal belief systems of what life should be, and more appropriately how people should act, should behave and who people should love and marry. 

I also often feel ashamed of hearing stories when homosexuals are not able to come out, or feel that they are wrong, or just different.  It hurts me to hear of parents disowning their children just because of something as silly as sexual preference.  It also breaks my heart to ever hear of a GLBT individual making the unfortunate and ultimate decision to end their own life, because of the amount of grief they have for simply not feeling understood by their family, peers, or just society in general.  I guess part of this is because I recently am labeling myself as a sensitive introvert, and am very emotionally and empathetically attached to the struggles of others. ****   Though each of these situations are things that really do not need to be a part of our society, and we could make a huge impact by just accepting people, and not judging them.

So yes I believe that homosexuals should marry.  Yes I believe in equal rights and that this is an equal rights issue.  I believe you should be able to marry the person you love, no matter their gender.   I believe if Jesus were alive today, he would not worry about this issue, vote no, and go and try to help people in need.  And Yes I believe that Hurricane Sandy was a scientific and meteorological phenomenon, and having nothing to do with God’s revenge on homosexuals.

But more importantly I believe that we should celebrate the courage of these brave individuals, not just homosexuals, but also anybody brave enough to have the courage to “just be you.” 

My little celebration will be in the voter booth when I get to fill in the little circle next to the NO box, and pause and think about a world for my children that will be, just a little bit better, and just a little bit more tolerant.

 Thank You!

*Believe it our not, the word homosexual is not meant to be a derogatory term.  It’s really just putting the word homo (meaning same) and sexual (which has to do with our gender) together.  I of course did know this, but unfortunately, the term is so ingrained in my head from as early as grade school to mean something derogatory from boys using it to slam others, that I still often feel awkward using the term in it’s proper form. 

**Feel free to just nod your head yes and agree to the extremely handsome guy comment.  Why are you not nodding your head? 

***Yes I did put woman in front of men in this sentence.  I have a strong Feminist wife and believe that women are typically better than men.  I also know that she will probably be reading this.

****I am working on my master’s degree to become a therapist you know.

Sometimes it is life or death

Death is a topic that is often on my mind.  I am faced with having to think about death at least once a week.  We spend most of our lives trying to ignore that thought of death, where I willingly volunteer my time once a week to put myself right smack dab in the middle of the conversation.  The funny thing is that I never feel more alive in my life than when I spend those four hours a week volunteering at the crisis hotline.  Maybe it’s not really even about death, but a pure joy towards the other extreme, which is Life.  Maybe it’s about a fear of death that keeps me coming back.  By constantly facing the fear, maybe it changes my fear around the topic of death.  Maybe it helps me face my own mortality, as well as the mortality of those I love.  An existential psychologist would say that much of the dysfunction in our lives can be traced back to our fear of death.  So maybe I keep coming back to minimize my own dysfunction. 

I currently volunteer for one four-hour shift every week at the crisis hotline, which does take calls from the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.  Why do I do this?  The answer I typically tell people is that I am doing this because I am working on my masters in mental health counseling and this gets me some really good experience with individuals in crisis and gets me a chance to practice my craft, which is true.  It also gets me in front of some people that can lead me in the right direction towards future professional goals, which is good.  Though that would ignore the bigger question of why I would pursue something that can be filled with such horrible things and people going through such tragic things in their lives. 

The reality of the situation is that I don’t really have conversations about suicide with people every time I go in.  Most of the time it is regular callers with different mental illness’s or just individuals who are going through some really challenging times and just need someone who will listen to them.  I love these moments.  One of the greatest things in life for me is just listening to them, and the less talking I have to do, the better.  Even though I really love those moments, that doesn’t change the reality that every time the phone rings, my heart skips a beat, my stomach gets a knot, and I think to myself, is this the person that I am not going to be able to help?

This past Monday was one of those days when I got one of those calls.  The woman was at the end of her rope, in a bad relationship, and had just purchased a gun two weeks ago, with an intent to use in on herself.  She had told her boyfriend that she was feeling this way and his response was “Are you going to leave a note”.  Now what can you really say to this?  My goal was of course to empower her,  to help her to see the strengths that she has, and open herself up to the possibility that she does have a bright future, all in a span of about a half an hour.  Oh yes, to also make sure that she never touches that gun again and gets rid of it.  Fortunately, I believe I was able to accomplish all of those goals, though I do not get to know the real outcome, though the outcome in my mind is that this woman will have a bright future.  It’s the only thing I can really think about, well if I want to maintain my sanity.  She made a plan to have her Mother come and get the gun and dispose of it and she ensured me that she would make an appointment to meet with a therapist the next morning.  And you know what she said to me at the end of the call?  “Thanks.”  It wasn’t even about the words, more about the way she said it.  The feeling I got then cannot be put into words, as I do not have the vocabulary to really do justice to that feeling. 

There are moments in your life that are much bigger than yourself, and cannot be defined in monetary value.  Its just moments where you know you are alive, when your adrenaline is pumping, and you meet a goal that is purely self-sacrificing that are moments that move you.  So I guess my answer to the why questions I was asking lies somewhere in there, I suppose. 

A couple things you can do if you are local to the Twin Cities area is the Stomp out Suicide 5k run/walk for awareness (in honor of Alissa M. Haines) on August 25th and the Hustle for Hope 5k, which proceeds go to the crisis connection, which is the organization I volunteer for on September 29^th.  

Abby's 10 today! Happy Birthday!

Abigail,

One of the greatest things that have happened to me in my lifetime happened to me on June 19th 2002.  I was 26 years old at the time and just after 2 in the morning that day, my wife delivered a beautiful baby girl that we named Abigail Margaret Marek.  I would love to say that this moment was a pure moment of joy, which joy was a huge part of it, however there were many other emotions that went along with it, mainly fear.  

At that time in my life, I was still a Newlywed, as Renee and I were married August 18th, 2001.  (Yes the math works out for anyone asking) :)  So being a Dad was a little bit scary, since I really didn't know how to be a husband yet, how was I going to be a Father.  Though being a Father was something that I always wanted, and now all of a sudden it happened.  Though when I envisioned being a Father as a kid, I thought I would be confident, know everything, make lot's of money, coach everything under the son, etc..  Though the reality of being a Father is that none of that happened, which in the end, I believe makes me a better Father and keeps me humbled.  Which being humble helps me to always understand just how important of a undertaking this is.  I do however know that I am extremely lucky, as I believe Renee is a great mother, and made my job as a Father much easier, which I hope that most of the time, that I make her job as a mother easier as well.  

Though of course this blog is meant for Abigail.  I am often amazed at how much I love her.  There is some truth to the saying that you don't really know what love is, until you become a parent.  I truly embrace that I get to learn from you everyday as it is such a wonderful journey and privilege to be here with you as you grow up.  Of course, I don't want you to grow up faster than you are know, but I am very excited for your future and for the person you are and are becoming.  You are the sweetest person that I have ever met and you fill me with so much joy everyday.  You make everyday for me just a little bit brighter!  

Love,

Dad

Back again

I know it has been a year since I made my last post, but I have found some motivation to get started again.  Maybe this will be my only post for the next year, or maybe I will be posting regularly.  Recently I have been motivated by an individual who began their own blog that I have as a Facebook friend, though have not seen in person in many many years.  Though I began to think that I should at least give this another shot, and not think of myself as having somewhat failed by not living up to my expectations of myself.

You see, I believe I had the right intentions, to possibly help others out with my own ramblings about the things I know.  Most likely a part of me felt like I should share some of my insights through my life, career and schooling.  This was a very good thought, though I missed the point of this, which really should be about helping myself.  I'm sure most people know the analogy, when you are on the airplane, and the oxygen masks come down, that you are supposed to put the mask on yourself first, and then help your child get theirs own first.  This is what I was missing.  It is so easy for me to put the mask on someone else first, as it does make me feel much better about my existence.  Though if I am able to put the mask on myself, and then put the mask on the child, am I not accomplishing much more?  Am I not making two lives just a little bit better by this act and providing more overall?  

So I have probably exhausted that analogy, but back to the individual I was referencing in the blog and why I decided to write again.  I was amazed by his courage to be able to say who he is, what he believes, and why it's important to him.  I say courage because one of my biggest challenges in my life is allowing people in to my world.  Their world is easy for me.  I can peel back the onion on somebody else's life pretty deep, and frankly I can do this in many ways better than others.  This is why I decided to go back to school for my masters in counseling, because I love doing this, and I do believe that in some ways that I was meant to do that.  The onion that I often leave alone is my own.  Why do I pause with my own onion and avoid letting many people get to know who I am.  I have not had it back fire on me when I do let people in.  I have a beautiful relationship with my wife, mostly because I allow her in and mainly because I know that I love her and want her to know the real me.  

So like I began, maybe I'll post a lot, maybe I'll post a little.  Though my posting will be with in intent to put the mask on myself, and maybe putting the mask on someone else who reads this.  Maybe I'll talk about politics, religion, family, daily thoughts, what excites me, what bothers me, sports, general life, and yes probably a little Psychology action cause that's just who I am.  

Need vs. Want

Need vs. Want

To start this blog, let’s take a look at Maslow’s theory on the hierarchy of needs.  His theory identified five area’s of need that individuals look for and the order hierarchy for them.  The first four components of the heiracrhy are described as deficiency needs (areas arise due to deprivation), while the highest level or 5^th level are growth needs, (a desire to grow as a person). 

Physiological Needs are the basic survival needs such as water, air, food and sleep.  Without these obviously, we would not survive.

Security Needs include needs such as the desire for shelter, safe neighborhoods, steady employment, health insurance, etc..

Social Needs include needs for belonging, love and affection.

Esteem Needs include things that reflect on self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition and accomplishment.

Self-actualizing Needs are individuals that are self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opions of others and interested in fulfilling their potential. 

If we take a look at each of the five heirarchy of needs, each of these five areas derive from a desire, or a want by the individual to move up the heirarchy and fulfill those needs.  Even the Physiological needs are derived from a desire to survive, which intail means that individuals with suicidal ideations may not identify that as a need.  So in other words, each of the five stages are not actually needs, unless the individuals seeks a desire to attain them.

Now obviously, each individual has a different ability to reach the different level as a baby born into poverty may struggle to reach the first stage throughout their childhood, while another baby born to a loving upper middle class family starts off life already at the third stage and may find it relitively easy to advance to stage five.  Though this is a different discussion for another day. 

What I really want to discuss is the interchanging of the words want and need in our vocabulary and how this is sending mixed messages to ourselfs.  I often times hear people using the term need in replace of a want, and often times they use need in replace of a want, which goes against something that is there ultimate desires.

Examples:  I often hear individuals who identify with an addiction, (smoking, drinking, etc..) who identify a desire of cessation of the behavior, say that they need a cigarette, or that they need a drink.  The realization is that they want the cigarette or they want the drink, even though it goes against the overall desire that they have.  If the desire is to maintain the addiction, than yes you would need the cigarette or drink, or a desire to remain overweight would need to eat that extra doughnut.

My thoughts on this is that this is a form of rationalization, justification or simply a form of self-protection.  When individuals identify something as a need, it takes them out of the decision to perform the behavior as “if I need to do it, then there is nothing I can do.”  It also takes away selfish behavior, as wanting something is something that we look at or are conditioned to look at as being selfish, while needing something can be easy to justify the behavior.  

Self-Reflection

Joseph Chilton Pearce


Seeing within changes one's outer vision.

Now that you have had a chance to identify your thought processes towards your goals, it’s time for the next step.  The next step is probably the most difficult stage and the stage that keeps even the most intentioned of individuals from reaching their goals.  This is the stage of self-reflection.  This is the most difficult because it is bound to bring up painful emotions and a level of having to take responsibility for your current state. 

The important thing to know with this stage is not to expect your self to be able to identify everything right away, in many cases it can take months and even years to work through.  Often times individuals will need to improve or make progress towards their goal to identify some of the issues that they have been blocking.  So the main point here is that this stage is not a stage that really has an ending, and needs to be continued through even after the goal has been met.  This is important  because it is the time that we tend to stop working on them, which often times we go back to the same issues we had before and lose the progress that we made. 

Let’s look at what I mean by self-reflection.  What I am looking for is working on identifying the real reasons that you are where you are today.  If you are overweight, you are not overweight because you eat too much and don’t work out enough.  There is always something much deeper than that.  You overeat and don’t work out enough for specific reasons that can be a multitude of things that have been both in your control and out of your control.  Just be careful when identifying something that is out of your control is really something out of your control. 

So as you see, self-reflection is not so much just looking at the behaviors that have lead to your current situation, self-reflection is most beneficial when looking at the “Why” behind those behaviors.  So of course you will have to identify the behaviors first, but I challenge you to look beyond that.

Now when you start self-reflecting, a couple of different outcomes can start to happen which are blaming (either self, others and circumstances) and self-loathing thoughts.  These are the area’s where it becomes difficult which causes people to stop and decide that the goal is out of reach. 

Let’s first look at blaming.  Most people would expect me to say that you should never put blame outside of yourself.  That would be wrong, as it would be irrational to think that blame should never be put outside of the self.  There is often time very good reason to blame. (i.e. an abusive relationship,  neglectful parents, or not enough resources).  Also to deny yourself your thoughts of blame are unproductive.  Instead, take a look at those feelings of blame and start to identify your part to that, and to what level can you control the outcome.  Also, take a look at how these feelings of blame have held you back?   You may have a situation where an outside force was to blame, and you let that blame keep you stagnate.  An example would be an individual who is overweight blaming their parents for their lifestyle and diet as a child that led them to be overweight.  The parent’s have part of the blame for creating the problem, though the maintaining the problem lies within the control of the individual.

Another important example of this has to do with addiction.  People with an addiction often times blame their addiction as a justification of their behavior.   This is not to say that addiction is not real, it is very real.  What I am saying is that the addiction should never be the full reason or blame for  the behavior.  There is always another reason that causes the addiction, which is often times a masking agent, (avoiding pain), or something that the individuals gets (benefit) that they receive from the addiction/behavior.  Finding out what this  is and then working to work through that pain or replace the negative benefit with a meaningful positive outcome is key to overall success.

I fear there may be some misinterpretation of this posting as it relates to blame.  Quite simply what I am saying is identify your blaming, identify that you have some limitations as a human being, and then do not let the blaming and limitations be the reason that you do not reach your success and stated goal.

The second outcome of self-loathing usually generates from thoughts about “I haven’t done enough,” or “I should have done this.”  There always needs to be an understanding of everything that lead to the position or where you are today and find a level of acceptance for  your current situation.  Also remember “Don’t should on yourself,” as this can lead down a path towards depression, and further irrational thoughts.

Goals, Goals, Goals!!

“Don’t Should on yourself” Dr. Charlie Walker

We are going to switch topics a little to focus on goals and the motivations behind being able to reach goals.  This can be focused on professional, personal, fitness, depression, anxiety, better relationships, or any other goals that you may be working on in your life.  This is not going to focus on the planning or even the breakdown of S.M.A.R.T. goals, (Which stands for Specific, Measurable, Action orientated, realistic, and time specific) which of course are important, but will not get to that underbelly of what really allows some to reach goals and others to not. 

Let’s say you want to go on a vacation.  Vacations cost money (sometimes significant amount), travel time either flying or driving, sleeping in unfamiliar places, possible language issues, lots of planning, choosing where you want to go, and multiple other potential problems that could happen on a vacation.  So why in the world would anyone ever want to go on a vacation knowing this?  The simple answer is that people focus on the positive outcome that the vacation will bring them, which could be stress relief, lifetime memories, beautiful scenery, visiting a friend, etc………. 

So of course it is in relation to those positive outcomes are the important part.  I’ll go back to my personal training days when I often heard people express their goals like this.  “I want to lose weight”, or my favorite was “I just want to tone up”.  This is equivalent to saying, “I want to go on a vacation.”  There is no real positive outcome with this or personal attachment to the goals.  The next step closer was someone who came in and said “I want to lose x amount of weight.”  This is closer because it gave us something to measure, but still no real positive outcome or personal attachment. 

To reach your goal you must create that positive outcome and personal attachment for yourself.  What is that goal going to do for you?  How will that goal impact you and better your life?  What are the very underlying reasons that you want to reach that goal?  So basically “Why” is this important enough for you to work through the difficulties that it takes to reach that goal? 

Now the question is why don’t we do this in relation to all of our goals?  The usual suspects usually fall into these categories;

1.     Fear of failure

2.     Fear of giving things up/sacrificing

3.     The goal is just not that important

The fear of failure tends to be the major one when it comes to not reaching a goal.  “If I never really reach for the goal, I cannot fail.”  Though this is a very irrational thought process, as there will be no goal attainment or often times very little progress towards the gain, which is creating a protected level of failure that was intended to be avoided in the first place.  This brings out a second level of irrational thinking, because avoiding failure is an impossible task.  Nobody fully succeeds throughout the entire process of reaching a goal. 

So in this case, the rational response would be to take acceptance that reaching a goal will involve challenges and often times failures that will need to be overcome to reach the final outcome.  It will never be perfect and may be delayed.

The Fear of giving things up/sacrificing can also be thought of as “letting your But get in the way.”  I’d like to lose weight “but.”  I’d like to do that “but.”  How often has your “But” gotten in the way?

Ultimately this comes down to a level of prioritizing.  What is more important to you? 

It also focuses more attention on the thought of giving something up over the thought of gaining something.  Are you more likely to eat healthier if you notice improvements in weight, health, and energy and focus on the positive outcomes or if you focus on giving up eating Big Mac’s for lunch everyday?  Humans like to gain, but do not like to have to give things up.  I encourage you to focus on that “Gain” when thinking about your goals.

The last one “the goal is just not important enough” usually falls under the category of trying to do something for others or something that you thought you are supposed to do.  This is often the line of “I should do this.”  When you feel as if you should do something, but don’t really have it as a personal goal.  Maybe society, spouse, friends, job, parents, etc. tell you that you should.  Though just to quote one of my favorite lines, “Don’t should on yourself.”  Make the goals something that you want to do and find your benefit in those goals.